4/20 Came Early This Year.

One minute, I'm blazing on my couch and watching "The Office" reruns.

Then this guy knocks on my door and grabs my TV remote.


He says, "Billy Bro Tolliver, you gotta watch this new show. It's all about former steroid abusers who made mediocre movies and somehow parlayed those two All-American activities into becoming Governor of California."


We watched the first few episodes in stunned silence. My mind started to wonder, and I began questioning my role in this crazy universe. I thought about my childhood, my awkward teenage years, and how my commute to work doesn't take me near a Dunkin' Donuts.


I eventually bored of the situation, mainly because my buzz had been killed by my guest's incessant fits of crying. Also, he had morphed into a bratty baby girl.


I decided to go for a walk with my sweet little dog Priscilla. She grabbed the credit cards and asked if we could get some iced coffee.


We encountered a friendly calculus professor during our stroll. His name was Daniel S. Hitferbrains and he gave Priscilla a pretty flower.


Unfortunately, Mr. Hitferbrains also morphed into an entirely different being from our initial encounter. Fortunately, his new shape was a delicious ice cream cake.


While enjoying our tasty calculus professor/ice cream cake, Priscilla explained the key to finding happiness in a seemingly pointless existence:
"Arf arf! Whoof! Brrrrrrrp. hehhhhhhehhhh."

We napped under a large tree and waited for Saturday night's show at Jammin Java.


I had a crazy dream that "Write/Hear" reached #11 on the CMJ HipHop charts in only its 2nd week.

Surprisingly Sexy Tuesday

We've all seen it happen.

A Tuesday night show has been on your schedule for a few weeks now. Even though you enjoy shows, it seems like the Tuesday night parties lack the fun-factor of weekend shindigs.

Maybe its because you have to work the next morning and can't get too drunk. Maybe it's because you've never understood why there isn't a Threesday, and have developed an unhealthy hatred of Tuesday. Maybe it's because Tuesday nights are traditionally "stay home and rub one out" night. For whatever reason, you don't look forward to the Tuesday night show but troop to it anyway.

And then, people like this make the Tuesday night show a fucking blast. (Oh, and this.)

There was a large crowd. The sound was damn good. The venue had a good menu. The beer and whiskey had people feeling frisky. Rhymes like that were flying all over the place. We went on last on a bill of four acts, and there was still a lot of people singing along to our pretty words.

I have thought long and hard about the reason(s) for such an unusual occurence. I have concluded that the intense promoting of Lady Maroo and all the acts was the main reason. Well, that and your mom was home so you couldn't comfortably rub one out.

In other news:
-"Write Hear" debuted at #17 on the CMJ Hip Hip charts. Suck my billboard!
-We have added three new shows and an interview to the schedule. Two of the shows will be on Saturday, April 19. "Wait a minute, two shows in one night?!? THESE ARE SOME CRAZY MOFOS!!!"
-Pictures and video of the surprisingly sexy Tuesday show will be available sometime next week. Until then, we all sing:

"What, what in the butt."

Charts, Half of a Head, and Hacking Virtual Lines

"Write Hear" is already ascending to the highest heights of CMJ's charts. I am not 100% sure what "adds" mean in the lexicon of radio play, but "Write Hear" was the #2 add in the current CMJ hippity-hoppity chart.

What's that whisper from the dimly-lit back corner of the room??? You don't believe me??? You think I'm making all of this up to impress you??? WELL IN THE WORDS OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR ERIC CARTMAN, "SUCK MY BALLS KYLE!!!" The following sentence from our charts manager Jojo should assuage any doubts of my validity:

"Wassup Cole...just letting u know we made #2 most added Hip Hop this week. Getting crazy feedback on this record. I will have the final chart tomorrow so I'll shoot it over to u. Im also gonna include that chart in the package* we send out."

And if you read it on a blog, it must be true!!!

(Speaking of Eric Cartman, did anybody see last night's new South Park? I've seen every episode in the series and understand that there have been several jaw-droppers... but holy bejeezus man, that was bugged the fcuk out. I bet most rappers would sound better with only half of a head.)

*Usually, a * indicates that a footnote can be found at the end of a Nazi-mandated term-paper. I never advanced past 4th grade, so I will put my *'s WHEREVER I FLIPPIN WANT, GOSH!!! The "package" is a press kit being sent to prospective venues that will give us quesadillas in exchange for explaining the zone-blitz defense and/or a live performance. If anyone has venue information they'd like to share or wants to book us for a show, don't! We just want to build up all kinds of momentum from the charting of "Write Hear" only to lose interest like a kitten playing with a dead bird! Just kidding, hit us up and lend a hand. Or two.

What else... oh yeah, cbs sports line can kiss my fuwwy ass for making people wait in a virtual line to watch the tournament games online. You're not fooling anyone with that horse shit VIP pass! I hope you get hacked! Or just send me a VIP pass and we'll call it even.

Tours, Chores, & Revamped Playoffs.

There's no easy way to say this, so let me just do it hard:

We are currently pushing "Write/Hear" from the vaginal cavity and into the waiting arms of CMJ. So far, we have already been added to several shows throughout the college radio circuit. The next few weeks will show our meteoric rise to #1 in the hearts and minds of every college student across America. No book burnin' cause they're hook learnin'!

What does this mean for you and the gas prices you rail against? It means that if you live within 100 miles of Philadelphia, you will have the opportunity to have sex with/listen to/buy drinks for/sing along with the Educated Consumers in the Spring of 2008.

"Write/Hear" is being pushed by Bryan Farrish Radio Promotion. They are setting up the tour. they also coddle us and say things like, "Don't worry about the money, just pay us in smiles." Two thirds of the previous statements are true.

Anyway, all this momentum has us thinking: why stop here? Why not ride this crazy train all the way to a lucartive real estate company somehwere down the road?!?! In order to maintain the path to riches, we have established a marketing campaign for each city on the tour. Each city will get hit in the groin with the following:

-Radio and print interviews. Ask about my chili recipe, and I'll have to kill you.
-Promotional items such as press photos, full-color posters, flyers, and in-store performances.
-Street teams comprised of bored housewives looking for a lil' extra cash to spend at the club.
-Limited run Educated Consumers tee-shirts and thongs. Just ask Unicron: if you're going to destroy planets, at least do it with some style.

The tour dates will be posted shortly. Until then, let's discuss a much more important issue than the silly ol' Educated Consumers. "But Seez, what could possibly be more important than giving you money?" Why, the NBA's insane refusal to revamp theNBA playoffs you silly goose!!!

Look, I love an 11-games-below-.500-8th seed as much as the next guy, but there is no reason to have Conferences based on geography anymore. East and West made sense when these guys were flying commercial back in the 1970's; just look at the home and away records. (No, seriously, go do it. I don't have time to back up anything I say with hard evidence.) The travel made winning on the road far more difficult, whereas charter flights and private planes have completely negated any need for theoretically bi-coastal conferences. Just take the 16 best teams and get retarded in here!!!

Feel free to agree/disagree with anything from this post in the comments section.

peace
seezmics of educated consumers

scribble jam 2058.

i should have stayed at home, smoking weed and lifting weights.
instead, i went to ohio by way of interstates.
we got pulled over once, and i thought "this is great."
the flashing lights meant one thing: we'd get there late.
speeding tickets aside, the trip was straight.
i started selling cd's at annie's once i was in the gate.
i saw some dude with fried fish on a dinner plate.
i bet an hour later, his shit was liquid rape.
matt had on a "seezmics" shirt and tried to imitate.
i told him to hit puberty right to the bitch's face.
he started crying and asking if he could get a break.
i just pissed in his beer, then said "kids these days."
i ripped the prelims, so on saturday i hit the stage.
unfortunately, my first line was a big mistake.
i got the year wrong and won't watch when i get the tape.
oh well, at least i'm not getting butchered for oil in kuwait.
it could've been worse, some people missed their plane.
the homies from albany did, and they were filled with rage.
but at least we got to see a couple hotties with their tits displayed.
too bad the biggest pairs were always with the biggest waists.
anyway, this rhyme scheme is a bitch to make.
oops, i already used bitch in a different place.
i guess i better get a razor out and trim my legs.
some people don't like hairy mc's... even in 2058.

well, come.

this is where i will be adding the shows we don't have, the albums we aren't releasing, and the thoughts we are not willing to share. be sure not to check back regularly.